Running into walls again

Dear Sweet Heart.

(Note: I don't know when I wrote this, but it's been some time ago. It's still true though.)

Life is not a race. You don't have to be the fastest, the strongest, the prettiest, the best at whatever you feel like you should or want to be the best at. You don't have to. No one has to. And yet we feel like we do.

It's always easy to call out society, but at the end of the day society is what it comes down to. Society is what we have to fit into. If that wasn't the case, all we'd need would be what our body requires, even though that also can't be the answer.

So in a way we really do need society. And it's not actually society that's wrong or at fault with anything. It's us. We are this society. We shaped it and we still shape it every day, every second. It might not seem like we make any impact, but if a lot of people make a few little things each day different than what society tells us is the right thing, things really can change and the right thing can become something different.

No one can to that on their own though. I know a lot of people that feel similiar about things that don't seem right in our society and that gives me hope. Oh, I'm always such a hopeful person. If I can't do anything else, I will at least hope. I never really give up hope and I think that's a really really good thing.

But hope... hope on it's own doesn't get you anywhere either. Hope can keep you going, yes. But hope can't actually take the steps for you. Hope can't really do anything. Hope is just there, silently supporting you. You're doing a great job, hope. The rest is up to me.

And I know, I know in my heart of hearts that I am capable of it – of the things that I want to achieve for myself. I am capable! I might be a mess and lazy and my energy and concentration always die so so fast, but I can do it. I can do anything, if I just really put my mind to it. I know that I can.

What's stopping me then? What's the problem? I'm asking myself this over and over again and there are answers and they are true answers and I try my hardest to fight all of those answers to get where I wanna be. And I always knew that it would not be easy. The important things never are.

But even knowing all these things and fighting so hard, I feel like it's not enough and I should do more, because I can do more, if I just... if I just...!

I don't know. If I just had the energy. If I just had the concentration. If I just had the time. If I was just brave enough. If I just fucking did what I have to do to get where I want to be!

It's never ''just'' though. It really never ever is.

It always seems so easy, even when I know it's not or at least not for me. Easy... School was easy for me. Giving up would be easy, I suppose. Not even just giving up, but giving in to what seems to me like the easy way. The easy way... Yeah, the way where I stop fighting for what I really want and what I think would be the right thing for me. Giving in to what society wants from me.

To put it into precise words: Go and make money. Get a job that you can work at the whole day, so that when you're done for the day and you go home, the day is almost over already. Do that every single day. Great life, isn't it?

It sounds so easy to me. I'm almost jealous of all the people, who can do it. No, not jeealous, I envy them. I envy them for being able to give in. For being able to exchange work and time for money and nothing else.

On the other hand I really don't envy them for the time they spend senselessly working to only get some money to buy some things to work more and buy more and so on and so on. I really don't envy them for wasting so much time of their life – cause that's what it always always feels like to me.

All the times that I had worked a regular job thing, it felt so senseless, so pointless, so wasteful. Not to say that there aren't things that need to get done, that need someone to do them. There are so many of those things. And I also get that you have to do, to work something. Do things and get things for doing them – it's a simple and logical system, nothing wrong with this basic idea.

But I don't... I just don't feel like I should work my life away. Where's the good in that? Just being part of the system? Being able to afford things? Being able to live a basic life?

It's not like I don't wanna work. Oh, I do wanna work. I wanna work on myself. I wanna work on experiencing the world. I wanna work on living, really living. I wanna work on my writing, on all my lovely projects. I wanna work on translating written works. I really want to work. I really do. And yeah, some money would be nice too. It really would.

So why can't I? Why can't I go out there and do what I need and want to do? What's stopping me? Looks a lot like I'm stopping myself. I might not be the only one to blame, but yeah, a lot of it is on me and I know that. It's weighting me down even further. I myself am the wall I keep running into.

It's societies fault in a lot of ways and probably the fault of a lot of things I've been told by others and also the fault of school being kinda easy for me. My low energy thing is to blame and so is my social anxiety, my fast dying concentration, my hard to catch motivation and the strong pull of the idea to just give in to everything that seems so much easier than keeping up the fight.

To be honest: Most of the time it doesn't feel like fighting. It feels like I'm being lazy, because I give everything so much time. I feel like I should rush myself more. I feel like I should pressure myself. Stupid, because at the same time I know so so well that more pressure would just make me crumble. I have to take things at my own speed. I can't force myself, even if I should and I will, if there is no other way.

That's the one things that keeps me from going into a wild panic: So far I've always done what needs to be done at the right time. I'm not completely incapable of everything. There's things I can do. I might do them late, but I do them. That gives me some hope, maybe even some confidence in myself and my timing.

So maybe I'm not really running into my own wall. Maybe, just maybe my hands are pressing against the wall and push it further and further back every single second and the wall moves bit by bit, a movement so little that I don't and can't notice it, but when the time is right, I will feel it and it will make a difference, the difference. Maybe...

Can I trust in that? Or is this just senseless hoping when I should actually force myself for real, even if I might crush myself in the process? What risk is the right one to take? What's more promising and what's more likely to end up in total failure?

I don't know. I guess, it seems pretty equal to me and I absolutely don't wanna crush myself. Time might not be on my side, but I am definitely on my side. So, what would I do without myself anyway, if I got crushed? What would that be worth for?

Call it waiting, call it being stupid and lazy, call this whole text that I've just written make believe – maybe it is all those things. I choose to believe though. I choose hope and faith in myself. I choose not crushing myself, but giving myself the time that I seem to need.

It will all turn out alright. I got this. It's fine. Everything will fall into place eventually. Such cliché words to say, but I really do believe in the truth that I find within them.