10.9.18

Dear not being so sweet to me right now Universe.

(Note: This post was me trying to motivate myself in the middle of the night because I felt like I needed it. ;D)

I should start with all the things that you are nice about to me, dear universe. Those things are actually a lot and yes, it’s sometimes, times like now, so so hard for me to really see those things and maybe I’m doing it wrong, but believe me, I really really do appreciate them, all of them, every single one, even the smallest.

It’s a matter of perspective, I know that all too well. You don’t realize what you’ve got until it’s gone – such a true sentence. Taking things for granted is so much easier than actually deeply appreciating them. I’m sorry for the times when I didn’t and couldn’t appreciate what I had, the times when I didn’t see, when I didn’t feel it. I’m so sorry.

And I’m sorry about now and all the things right now in this very moment that I’m too blind to see. I mean, I can think about them, I am thinking about them right now, but I really am taking them for granted. But nothing is for granted, nothing ever is.

It’s always such a hard lesson to learn and I don’t really understand why it has to be learned over and over again. It should be one of those things that you get after you learned it once. But I guess just always living in fear of losing things and people, of failure wouldn’t and couldn’t be the answer either.

What would be the answer? How could I truely appreciate all that I’ve got? By just being grateful? I am so so so grateful. I really am, even if I do take too many things for granted. I know I’m lucky in that sense. I’m lucky in so many ways. How could I not be thankful about that? Just because I often don’t think about all that I’ve got, regardless of what I don’t, doesn’t mean that I’m not endlessly thankful for every single little piece of goodness in my life.

Maybe I should work harder, be harder on myself. That could be the answer, the way to be truely grateful and appreciative of what I’ve got. Sounds logical at least. But what exactly would that do me if it just slowly killed me on the inside? Nothing much. Being lucky with stuff just to make myself unlucky with different stuff sounds like one of the most wrong things ever. I should keep my luck safe and build up on it and not destroy it just because it gives me a little headstart on things.

Living a happy life would be the answer than, right? I’ve always tried my hardest at that. This year, this year was supposed to be the year I tried even harder, got even farther, went even deeper, made it even closer to my dreams coming true. I am trying so so hard! Every single day. I know it does not seem like it over the last few days, it surely didn’t feel like it the last few days. But I still tried and fought and I still try and fight.

This year… it’s a mess. But you know what, universe? It’s my mess. For a lot I’m responsible myself and I can fix a lot myself, I’m sure of it. It takes determination, patience, luck (of course) and a whole bunch of hard work. I’m up for that. And yes, maybe it will take forever to see evidence of what I’m doing, maybe I can only do really tiny steps at a time, but at least I’m doing something and I’m actually moving and not standing still.

It’s the hardest thing to realize for myself most of the time. I want results and proof and appreciation for what I’m doing. I want to feel valid and productive and like a responsible adult, at least sometimes. The way to get there is really rough, escpecially right now.

I know that it’s stupid to basically write this text because of my a bit broken laptop, but oh well, it is what it is. That piece of tec means a whole lot to me and it’s done such a good job over the last years. It’s always been there for me. It made me waste a lot of time, but I’m sure that the last few days showed how I can waste even more time without that thing.

My laptop makes me feel like I’m capable of some productivity. Without it I’m kinda just trash. And yes, it’s called a trash can and not a trash can’t, but without my laptop baby I really am a trash can’t. My life exists online or rather the online world functions like a portal that helps me express myself, get myself out there, figure out who I am, what I want, how I may get there.

The hobbys I’m most passionate about are way more practical online than anywhere else. The online world is the world where I belong and I can’t ever concentrate on the offline world without my online world.

It’s sounds so weird and pretentious and maybe it is, it might as well be. It’s also fact though. For me right now it is fact. It might not be a good thing or even a really bad thing, but I believe that it’s the thing that I need right now. It’s the thing that I need to be able to move on from it some day. That won’t happen by force though, it will only happen by will and right now I’m not there yet, I’m not willing to be there yet. I’m getting there, I know it, but it’s not time yet.

It’s not time yet for a lot of things. That’s okay, that’s totally okay. It will be time someday, maybe even sonner than I think right now. It will be time. Time for things to be better, for me to be stronger, for you, lovely universe, to be nicer to be again. Time for all the things I dream of. Believing in it feels like the first step to get there.

Of course these are just the words, the thoughts of a still slightly coffee drunk me at half past one at night, these tend to be the best words, the best thoughts though. Sure, all of this might as well be lies, but it’s lies that I want to believe in right now and so I will.

I just refuse to give up. I don’t care if I need to tell myself lies to not give up. I don’t even care if all the fighting and believing will still mean nothing in the end. I want to fight and believe anyway. At least that’s doing something and I’d rather do something than just give up and let the nothingness swallow me.

So yeah, that’s what I wanted to tell you, universe. You can try to bring me down all you want (please don’t, it’s really exhausting!), I’m never ever gonna back down, no matter how much I might want to. There will always be a way. There will always be a tomorrow. There will always be another chance, another good thing. I will get there – to the time and place when everything is better again, when things fall into place again and my life will feel complete and I will feel capable of anything again.

I actually feel a little bit like that right now, just by writing these words and choosing to believe in them. What great powers already lie in such a simple thing as some words of hope.