What could be

Not ''what if'' but ''what could be'' is a thought that sometimes overwhelms me with everything that comes after this simple question. I see so much, when I just ask myself: ''What could be?''

There is potential. There is so much potential in everything. There is so much potential in me. And I don't mean that in an arrogant way. It's something I feel and something I truly believe in. Yes, I truly believe in myself, deep down I do. It's just often way too clouded, this belief. It's so easy to cover it up, to shield it from me. But it's always there. Deep down it's always there. And it's what keeps me going, what keeps me holding on, what keeps me hoping and dreaming, what keeps me taking chances, what keeps me from giving up.

It kinda always is driving me insane. With almost everything about me, it's a double-edged sword. The possibilities are... crazy. And they are endless. A million ways my life could turn out to be. A million ways which I can walk down. A million ways on which I can get lost. And oh, I'm so lost!

I kinda know what I want, what I wanna do, what can make me happy, what I need. That's a good thing. It doesn't necessarily make things easier, but it at least gives me a general direction, a general sense of where to go. But that doesn't really matter when I see all those possibilities.

They are not always about my dreams, about where I wanna go. They are everything – all the roads I could have gone down and didn't, all the branching paths that were or could have been and even the ones that never were and the once I could and still can't see, all of them. The future too, of course the future.

The past is already written, set in stone, nothing that can be done about that. The future on the other hand is a blank page and you can literally write anything onto it. Anything. And that's the point, the answer to the question ''What could be?'' - Anything.

This simple fact blows me away sometimes. Especially if I felt trapped in my own life, my own skin again. When it hits me, it's like waking up, like I can finally see clear. Nothing is blinding me anymore. I can see everything. And it's amazing. It's mindblowing. It's... well, everything. Just being able to see and feel all of that, already brings me to life like nothing else can. But it doesn't end there.

When I see and feel everything, I can also believe – believe that I can do all of it. Yes, I can do anything. Whatever I want, I can do it! I could, I could do it. Saying ''I can'' goes a little bit far. ''I can'' is a whole different thing. But I could, I can see and feel everything and I could do all of it. Oh, I could! It could all be, any of this endless possibilities, of this countless ways. Nothing is impossible. Sure, some things are a bit more likely than others, but you can never know where you might end up, what might happen.

Frightening, I know. But when I feel overwhelmed by everything that could be, I am not afraid. I'm not scared of anything then. That might be what's the most amazing to be – feeling, in a way actually being, fearless. Because I am not. I am not fearless. Sometimes I overcome my fears and I'm so proud when I manage to do that, but they are always there and always loud, all my screaming, painful and hindering fears.

Only for some rare moments the possibilities are stronger, brighter and screaming with way more passion, telling tales about lovely what could bes. I live for them, for the what could bes. I live for dreaming about them and for somehow realizing the best of them, the ones that make my heart jump in fiery excitement and pure joy. I live for this potential that I believe in, that I know is there, because it's in everyone.

The hard thing is to bring it out and hold onto it. I wanna hold onto it as hard as I can. Though it can't break either and... I don't think I'll ever actually reach it. I can only try and try and try and maybe I'll slowly get closer to it. Just like I might slowly find my way through this life.

It's burried, my potential, everyone and everythings potential. It's never easy to reach, never on the surface, never steady, never right there, always far far away on the horizon. And sometimes it's too cloudy or dark to see or sometimes one might be looking in the wrong direction. One might not find it their whole life. I'm not even sure if I can see it.

This blur on the horizon... It could be anything. It could be nothing, just a trick. It could... I could... It might all be stupid and I'm working towards nothing. Who knows? I surely don't. But like I said, I believe. And I feel it. The feeling can be so strong that it even crushes my worst fears. And I'm sure that it helped me make some of my most important decisions and it carried me over cliffs where no bridge could have ever been built, not without it's help at least. I don't know how I managed these things otherwise.

So there has to be some truth in my belief, in this feeling, in this potential. Even if all it actually does is giving me strength and this little bit of courage that makes the deciding difference. Sometimes that's all it takes.

In that regard it's one of the best things ever, but there is this other side. The side that pressures you. The side that feels like tearing you apart, ripping you open. The side that whispers in your ear: ''You are never gonna live up to your potential.'' The side of doubt that automatically comes with all the good stuff.

Because where there is potential, there also is a high chance of great failure. No matter how much I believe in my maybe existing potential, I can't get around this chance of failure. I can't ignore it. If the potential is real, so is the failure. They go hand in hand.

Actually... I fail either way. I can never reach my true potential, right? So I'll always fail, no matter what. The pressure to be what I could be, is the greatest pressure I know. Societies pressure is terrible and I hate it, but the pressure of potential is even greater. It will break me in the end, because I know one thing for sure: I can never be all that I could be. One life isn't enough for that. Not even all the time in the world would be enough.

That's why it's called potential. It's something that could be and not something that is or ever will be. In a way it's all that never will be. It's only the potential of what could be. It's there, but it isn't. It's just out of reach, you're just able to feel it, to see it as a blur on the horizon. Because it isn't a goal and it can never be one. A goal can be reached. Potential on the other hand isn't concrete, isn't a certain something.

Potential is an ideal, the best one can be, the most one can make of oneself. The thing that it has in common with a goal is that it can be worked towards to. It can be what drives us to be better than we were yesterday. It's inside all of us and its pressure might have a crushing power, but it is and always will be up to ourselves to make the best out of it, to make the best out of ourselves.